The Mother In Law-
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it’ll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, “We’ll ship her home.” The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Coolest Flight Attendant Ever –An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one. “
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”
Poor Jack –Jack was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is that I can cure your headaches … The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles.”
Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn’t even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought: “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit,” and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.” Jack laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” Jack tried on the suit and it fitted him perfectly. As Jack admired himself, the salesman said, “How about a new shirt?” Jack thought for a moment then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Jack, and said, “34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck.” Jack was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” Jack tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, “How about new shoes?”
Jack was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Jack’s feet, and said, “Let’s see, 9 1/2 E.” Jack was astonished, “How did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, “How about some new underwear?”
Jack thought for a second, and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack’s waist and said “Let’s see, size 36.”
Jack laughed, “Ah ha. I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache…”
That’s all for now…. [
]Cheers,
Paul…“The only thing you get from looking backwards is a sore neck…”
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