Retirement with a grin

RETIREMENT WITH A GRIN

Recently I was checking my bank account and thinking about retirement,
as everyone does when they hit 40 something. I saw an article about nursing and
retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I’m checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is
a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on
reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23
per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in
any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for
laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and
dryer. I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And
I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of
tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus
stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick
me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of
the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into
decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your
reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can
move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii?
They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need
changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything
and apologise for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip,
and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to
visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can
use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more
benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have
coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to
enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on
your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge
or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many
Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they
have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program.You can invite
your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just
tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn
where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as
well.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar
surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the
rooms all look the same. And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in
your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room —
your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk
clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility of my plan. I’m happy to report that they were positively
giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even
offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to
$40 a night!

“So, when I reach the golden age I’ll face it with a grin. Just forward
all your emails to the Holiday Inn!”