Twentyfive things you should have learned by now

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall
out.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do
it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
of checks!
12. Wherever you go, there you are.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal
with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places….
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.