Hi Guys
Watch out for notices and signs. These were spotted ut and aound.Spotted in the restroom of an office
Toilet out of order-please use floor below.In a laundromat.
Automaic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.In a department store.
Bargain basement upstairs.In an office.
Will the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.In an office.
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.Notice in a field.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull chargesAt a poultry farm.
Eggs drive in.Go the Warriors
Regards.Subject: FW: WordPerfect – VERY Funny
This has got to be one of the funniest I’ve heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)
“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s a blank; it won’ t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too f****** stupid to own a computer.”
Hi Guys
Watch out for notices and signs. These were spotted ut and aound.
Spotted on the grass on a RAAF base: “Short cut to extra duty”
Do you know if you walk on the grass on a Navy base, someone is likely to shout “Man Overboard!” (for our Navy forumites):Steph, speaking of teaching english, did you hear about the english teacher who was telling her class that two negatives make a positive, but you can never have two positives making a negative. “Yeah, Riight!” replied one of her students.
JimQUICK SMILES
Ever wondered about those people that say they give more than 100% ?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% effort, how about 103% ?
here’s a little math that might prove helpful.
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z were representated as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 then
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 =96%and worse
E D U C A T I O N
5 4 21 3 1 20 9 15 14 =92%
but
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 =100%
And
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%So, it atands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there but bullshit will put you over the top, and look how far
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 =118%
will take you.
SO ! no matter how much knowledge you have or hard work you put towards your education..
there will always be that bullshitting, asskissing bastard with and attitude that will succeed over you.
see…….it all adds up now Hmmm[:0)]“the person that thinks at 50 as they did at 20 has wasted 30 years of thier lives”
What A Jackass!
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who
occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on
someone:I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
“Hello?”I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin
Carter?”Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits.After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word “jackass” and put it in my desk drawer.Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d
call him up. He would answer and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It always
cheered me up.Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. “Hello?”I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company
and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our new caller ID
program.”He answered, “No!” and slammed down the receiver.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”
The reason I’m taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how
if there’s ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 555-1212.(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of
her parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally,
her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she’s
finally leaving.All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the
wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, “You can’t do that, buddy! I was here first!”The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a
jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had
a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, “You’re a jackass!”(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and
decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone. I asked, “Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?”“Yes.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car is
parked right out front.”I asked, “What’s your name?”
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home in the evenings.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Sure.”
“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don’s number to my speed dialer. Now I had two
jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn’t as much
fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I
yelled, “You’re a jackass!” But I didn’t hang up.The jackass said, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Stop calling me.”
I said, “No!”
He said, “What’s your name, pal?”
I said, “Don Hansen.”
He said, “Where do you live?”
“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked
out front.”“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello, jackass!”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your butt.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, jackass!”
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told
them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay
lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about
the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my
car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!hey bfantastic
i’ve got a great joke for you
whats your number ?westan
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an enligsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.[
]amit… thats weird, its easy to read even though the ltters aer jubmled up !
[
][][]Regards,
Arty.[
]
“Why work to the age where you cant enjoy
what you have worked for !.” (Author: Me)Tyr this one.
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
Regards,
Mike
Subject: Rugby League Recruit
A rather desperate Paul Langmack, coach of the South Sydney Rabbitohs, gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq.
The club has inspirational leader George Piggins catch a plane to war torn Baghdad and track down the young boy.
George risks life and limb dodging bombs, bullets, and grenades but finally funds the boy and convinces him to come to Australia. He does a full pre-season, plays in all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in first grade for the first premiership game of the year.
Ten minutes into the first half, Bryan Fletcher goes down with a severe knee injury, Langmack turns to the boy and says “this is it son, go into the second row and show us what you can do”.
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in NRL history. He scores two tries, tops the tackle count, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from the sideline.
The Rabbits chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Langmack tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all.
Langmack then pulls the boy aside and says “go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today”.
He proceeds to do so. “Mum”, he says down the phone, “guess what I did today?”
“I don’t care what you did today”, his Mother replies. “I tell you what happened here today”, she goes on.
“Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, the house was fire bombed, our car blown up, your sister raped and your brother’s been abducted”.
“Gee”, says the boy. “I feel a bit responsible for what happened.”
His Mother replies, “so you should be, if it wasn’t for you we would never have moved to Redfern”.
Hope you all like this one!
The Cat
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The
cat that they had just put out, scoots back into the house.They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to
eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty, so
she tells the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so
long,” he said as the cabbie pulled into the traffic. “Stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!”The cabdriver hit a parked car…
[:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)]
Molly Meldrum, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the town.
As they left the night-club, Kylie, half-pissed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good rogering.
“It’s your turn now, Molly” grinned Robbie, but Molly started crying.
Robbie asked, “Why are you crying, Molly? What’s wrong?”
Molly sobbed, “My head won’t fit between the railings!!!”.
[:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)][:0)]
Regards,
Arty.[
]
“Why work to the age where you cant enjoy
what you have worked for !.” (Author: Me)A proffessional couple from Ney York decided to go to Australia for a vacation since its summer in their winter. His wife was paged to a business trip and was planning to meet her husband there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail to tell her everything had been book in.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.PS: Sure is hot down here.
** BEAR ALERT **
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
An encounter with a Black Bear is scary, but an encounter with a Grizzly definitely is a life threatening situation.
We also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
There was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn’t handle him any longer. He
would wander about never knowing where he
was or sometimes even who he was.
Finally she decided that she would have
to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was
filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a
pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.
About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, “How do you like the place?”
“It’s okay,” he said. “But, they won’t
let me fart.”Another blond joke[
] u guys must be gettin sick of them []Two blondes had just been shopping. They walked outside of the store and back to the car. The blond trying to unlock the drivers side dorr says “this really hard to unlock this door. The other blond replies “Hurry up its starting to rain and the roof is down.”
Cheers
MattHope you find this amusing as I did.
The Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children & decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife & said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photoghapher rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to..”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you.” Mrs Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband & I had hoped. Please come in & have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs Smith, blushing.
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch & perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry & me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several positions & I shoot from 6 or 7 angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in & out in 5 minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know!” Mrs Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase & pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her hankerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs Smith the picture.
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around 4 & 5 deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“4 & 5 deep?” asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said.
“And for more than 3 hours too. The mother was constantly squealing & yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached & I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, er….equipment?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll se up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?” Mrs Smith looked extremely worried now.
“Oh, yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?……….Good Lord, she’s fainted!!!”
Hi there,
I like the jokes! I’m more into Spontanious humour myself, but here goes.
Man: “G-d please, I beg you please let me win tattslotto”
G-d: “Meet me half way and buy a ticket”Cheers and Mr Bean (cartoon) is on
Sooshie []“small steps make the journey” (SAS)
This girl walks into a chemist’s shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, “What do you want with arsenic?” She said “I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having s*x with another woman.” The pharmacist says, “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband lady, even if he is having s*x with another woman.”
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having s*x with the
pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist says “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”[:0)][:0)][:0)]
Regards,
Arty.[
]
“Why work to the age where you cant enjoy
what you have worked for !.” (Author: Me)
]
]
]
] u guys must be gettin sick of them [
]
The topic ‘Jokes?’ is closed to new replies.
