aussierogueParticipant@aussierogueJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 983
by the way i like your closing ‘quote’
‘success is 1pct inspiration and 99 pct perspiration’
what deodorant do u use??ScreminMember@screminJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 448
well now, I dont think Einstein used deoderant in his time! Me? I smell like roses. [:X]
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.George2Member@george2Join Date: 2003Post Count: 13
The dyslexic agnostic insomniac lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dogHueyParticipant@hueyJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 213
It’s my turn,
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-“very quick”. The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up
POLE: NO, I’m always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read clearly, It says,” Polish Remover”.
ScreminMember@screminJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 448
Nice one George. I really like that one too. Sounds like me at the moment. Wondering if there really is something there for me. Sorry, going through a bad phase at the moment. [xx(]
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.wattoParticipant@wattoJoin Date: 2002Post Count: 50
Thought some might get a chuckle from these…..
Apparently these are from actual Performance Evaluations, there are some absolute crackers in here.
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
“A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
wattoMelanieMember@melanieJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 382
My sides hurt … and my partner is running down the stairs to find out what the weeping hysteria is about – that’s beautiful!!!
PS I can say that now I’m self-employed [^]
MeladowlandParticipant@adowlandJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 14
Did you hear about the overweight ballerina?
she had to wear a three three !!
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra ?
Nothing much he just gets taller !!
and for professional accuracy\
What’s black, about 15 inches long and hangs in front of a A**hole ?
A stethoscope !!muppetMember@muppetJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 900
Heard a joke at golf today.
A 9 yr old boy was pestering his parents for his own TV set that he could have in his room.
Eventually dad bought one from the shop and it was set up in the son’s bedroom.
A few days later son came out to the lounge and asked dad what “love juice” was. Mum freaked out and dad said, “well it’s about time I told you about the birds and the bees.”
So son sits down and dad starts to tell him about the birds and the bees.
An hour later the son who by this time has very glazed eyes, is asked by dad, “what is the name of the program are you watching?”
Son replies, “Wimbledon Tennis.”
No comment on the golf please.
Little Johnny goes to school one day with a new sports watch and show all his friends. After school Ben, Johnny best friend asks where did you get that watch ? Johnny won’t say, Ben says, I know it was a gift for your birthday, Johnny replies nope, Ben again say I know , you stole it ? Johnny again replied nope ! Ben then begs Johnny to tell him where he got this fantastic watch from. After 20 minutes of pestering, Johnny finally cracked and told Ben. I was watching TV last night when I heard a funny nose coming from my parents room, so I got up to find out what it was as their door was partly opened, when I walked in to find my mum and dad having sex and froze. My dad turned and said what do you want ? Money ? and reached for the bed side table, but could only see a watch, so gave Johnny the watch and told him to sod off ! Over the next few day Ben sits at home waiting for a sign from his parents bedroom, when it happens. So Ben sneaks into their room to find them having sex ! When Ben’s father turns and says , what do you want ? Ben bravely replies, I wanna watch ! Ben’s dad looks at him and say, Ok stand in the corner and shut up !gocatsMember@gocatsJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 12
A couple of quick ones.
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bar tender says “we have a drink named after you” to which the grasshopper replies, “what Kevin”.loressMember@loressJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 21
laugh, laugh, laugh… what funny posts, here’s my two cents…
Subject: Why We Love Kids
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mum! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van at the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”loressMember@loressJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 21
Luckyone – taht was a gerat raed!
not sure who (I think Edward De Bono) writes about HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO READ IN UPPER CASE, THAT WE ARE TAUGHT FROM AN EARLY AGE TO READ IN lower case and that, we from about the age (of about nine) don’t actually read but that we do in fact just recognise words – (which is much along the lines of what you wrote), HE ALSO GOES ON TO SAY THAT UPPER CASE WORDS ARE DIFFICULT TO READ AS WE GENERALLY ONLY LIKE TO LOOK AT THE LOWER PART OF THE LETTERS; A GOOD TEST TO EXPLAIN THIS CLEARER is to cover up half of the letters (be they UPPER or lower) with a piece of paper and you will clearly be able to still recognise most of the words in lowercase, however will have little to no chance with the UPPER CASE ONES.
Great jokes people. Good to see some new ones also. Sat night, done chasing properties, so why not ?
This really happened .. it sounds contrived, but I was there.
Mrs. Smith bought 2 economy tickets for her flight, due to her obesity. I thought this commendable of her rather than just winge at the airline. She boarded before her friend raced her second boarding pass up to the departure gate.
I gave the boarding pass to the Purser explaining the situation. Mrs. Smith stood sideways in the aisle, trying to work how to sit in 7C and 12D !!
To make matters worse, volunteers were quietly asked to shuffle seats without explanation. But the vacant seats chosen were convertible seats .. the armrests don’t lift up. I locked the aircraft door, imagining a rather uncomfortable flight for someone with an arse cheek straddled either side of an armrest. I think they’re still trying to work it out.
Hey Westan, there’s a second part to the joke about the asparagus farmers’ zebra.
The zebra and the bull both die and go to Heaven. After wandering Heaven for a few days the zebra asks the bull: “Am I black, or am I white?” The bull suggests the zebra ask God.
The zebra returns an hour later with a puzzled look. “God said: ‘You are what you are’ .. What do you suppose He meant by that?” The bull says: “Ah, you’re white then .. ’cause if you were black he would have said “You is what you is”
OK, one more. Yep, I should have put them all in the one post but just remembered this one after re-reading Luckyone’s interesting text about the English language.
Why is it that we refer to goods carried by ship as cargo .. yet goods carried by car as shipment ?
Regards to all, PhilwestanMember@westanJoin Date: 2002Post Count: 1,950
well done guys i’m gettinglots of laughs, i enjoy laughing mmore than property investing (am i allowed to say that on the forum) sorry if i offended anyone.
I think this is a true story
There was this atheist walking through a forest suddenly he heard a bear, but it was too late the bear had already picked up his scent. the guy took off as fast as he could. but it was useless the bear was way to fast. The man fell over and in a last ditch effort he called out to God. God heard him and said “what? all your life you have rejected me, now just before you die i suppose you want me to make you a Christian so you can go to heaven?” the man replied “No God, you have misunderstood me, it’s not me i want you to make a Christian but the Bear, can you do that ?” God paused for a moment than said ” that’s unusual but i suppose i can do that”.
By this time the Bear had caught up to the man and was just about to pounce on him. At that point the bear stopped, got down on his knees and prayed “Lord, for what i’m about to receive make me truely thankful amen.”
Alright maybe its not a true story
westanredwingParticipant@redwingJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 2,733
Love the hunter joke[:0)]
Here’s my addition to this break from sensibility.
“Be Strong Honey”
A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. he stops at a house and breaks in. he finds a young couple in bed. he gets the guy out of bed, ties him up to a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck and goes to the bathroom.
while he is there the guy says to his wife “listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes, he probally spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years” ” i saw the way he kissed your neck- if he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you to! give him satisfaction. this guy’s dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us- Be strong Honey, i love you”
to which the wife responds, “he was not kissing my neck.. he was whispering in my ear, he told me he found you to be very sexy, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey- I love you too…”Vat8mmMember@vat8mmJoin Date: 2003Post Count: 3
A class of aspiring female pyschiatrists are attending their first lecture on the different emotional extremes.
“So to establish some parameters,” explains the professor, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” replies a brunette, correctly. “And the opposite of depression?” “Elation,” blurts out another brunette.
“Very good. And you young lady,” he says, pointing to a blonde at the back, “what about the opposite of woe?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she replies, “giddy up!”
The topic ‘Jokes?’ is closed to new replies.